Illegal Groupon: $295 for $500 Worth of Finger Smelling Buddy Assignment From Stiff Whiff

It should be no secret that finger physiognomy is such that one person possesses ten separate destinies. We mean it: if the fingerprint is a little face, then where it’s stuck, pushed, plumped, or piddled is reflective of its inherent God-given personality. The fingertip is the window to the finger’s soul, after all, so why keep one of those souls curtained and in the dark?

That is, unless it’s the darkness of one’s ear canal or the depths of a lover’s nethers. Today’s Groupon flicks the tip of all your hopes and dreams: $295 for $500 worth of a Willing Sniff-Pal-for-Hire from the Stiff Whiff Association.

Pioneered by Canadian Icon Tom Green in the foothills of Missouri, which, as the firm’s mission statement relates, “is the birthplace of smelling fingers,” Stiff Whiff provides you with a full-time, officially licensed Sniff Pal who will, at any and all times, smell your finger. It may be the middle of the night; it may be during the best man’s speech at your sister’s wedding. Or say you’re on a crowded bus and you’ve been formidably jostled. There’s no telling what anyone could be smelling: make sure your finger finds the right nose. Stiff Whiff guarantees your odor-inhaling buddy will be right by your side, ready to smell whatever happened to accompany your finger on its latest adventure.

Since Stiff Whiff knows it’s more about the smelling than the smell, every Sniff Pal is not so much trained in detecting a subtle bouquet or a delicate effluvium as he or she is schooled in the arts of interjection. Improv comedy’s top talents flock from miles around to teach our candidates an arsenal of countenances–surprise; aghast; the mean-mug; the “donkey bar mitzvah”–and fill their vocabularies with popular phrases. Check out these patented Sniff Pal Reacts:

* “Hey!”
* “Whoa man, that is nasty.”
* “That burned a little.”
* “That burned a lot.”
* “I hate you. So much.”
* “Yeah bro!”
* “How cool!”
* “There is nothing I’d like to do more.”
* And so many more!

Stiff Whiff simply aims to allow a client the safety and freedom to have his or her finger smelled without shame. There’s no need to ever explain away those deep-seated urges; you have fingers, they have needs…and smells. Why not pay for someone to truly appreciate what your knuckles have to offer? Or at least pretend to!

Sniff Pal Testimonials

“I was trying to pay my way through college, so when I heard about Stiff Whiff I applied immediately, keeping secret my birth defect: that I have no sense of smell. Good thing, because my first assignment was a boxer. He’d pummel some poor guy’s face for like an hour then come over to me and yank off his gloves and wraps–and shove his sweaty mitt right up my face-hole. It was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever done. But now I can be a dentist…just like my dad, and his dad before him.

“Can I stop talking now? No?” — “Elijah Cray”; October 2011

“So this one time? I was with the client and he’s just _fucking balls out_ on crystal meth. He’s sprinting down the middle of the street, completely naked, weaving back and forth with his right index finger snugly stuck right up his butthole. And I’m just trying to keep up, but the litle guy’s got all this superhuman power. Because of the meth? But then he beelines it for the gas station on the corner and kicks out the glass on the door to the adjoined convenience mart, and he’s just bleeding everywhere, probably dying right in front of me, y’know? I’m stepping over red, broken glass to get by his side, and this is when he pulls his finger out of his butt with this big POP noise and sticks it in the face of the check-out clerk.

“The clerk is of course terrified and starts to inch away from my client’s twitching hand. So what do I do? I storm around to the back of the counter and punch the clerk in the kidney, making him double over. I grab him by the neck and scream in his ear, just keep hollering until his eyes roll back into his skull. And I’m all ‘SMELL THIS DUDE’S FINGER. NOW’ over and over. It was the best job I ever had.” — Studs Terkel; December 2010

“Sssss…difficult. Me. Tawlk. Ouch. Brain.” — Mush Head Mannie, who received his nickname because a client pushed a finger too far up his nose; February 2012