Filler: Baby Legs; 24; Prison Slang

In yet another example of finding at least one minute worth enduring in Seth MacFarlane’s cavalcade of otherwise mean-spirited cartoons, the most recently aired episode of American Dad!, entitled “You Debt Your Life,” included one segment that won me over based solely (Pun! Get it??) on main character Stan Smith growing comically disproportionate gams.

Since 20th Century Fox hates your fucking guts, go to this link, suffer through that Adrien Brody abomination, and then if you haven’t slit your wrists yet, skip to 19 minutes in:

http://www.hulu.com/embed/3BdYlbi8w8CqtW_zptZLCQ

Hee hee. Wheelbarrow Tim.

Does this remind you of John Travolta too?

What’s consistently funnier is how popular MacFarlane’s ubiquitous, uber-liberal humor has become in direct proportion to the amount of guff Ricky Gervais got for the Golden Globes, effectively neutering any chance for a laugh at last night’s Oscars.

Let me know when Anne Hathaway’s and Mark Ruffalo’s teeth try to eat each other and then I’ll tune in and try to give a flying fuck about Aaron Sorkin’s kid’s guinea pig or whatever it was he rehearsed in front of his mirror so that it seemed like he had genuine emotion behind all that Oompa-Loompa foundation.

***

Got through the third season of 24, in which yet again Jack Bauer’s mettle is tested over exactly 24 hours. This time he was struggling with a heroin addiction acquired during some undercover work, an addiction given up during the 24 hours but seemingly bearing withdrawal symptoms not much worse than a cold sweat and heavy sighing. Just like the season before, in which Jack literally died for a few minutes and then struggled through the last hours of his day with his heart begging to stop, the whole season basically went like this:

Jack Bauer: There’s no time!!

Jack Bauer’s Pencil-pushing Superior Who Will Probably End Up Dead: There’s always time for the law, Jack.

Jack Bauer: [heavy sigh] Can’t we deal with this later?

Jack Bauer’s Pencil-pushing Superior Who Will Probably End Up Dead: Will you be capable of dealing with this later, Jack?

Jack Bauer: You have no idea what I’m capable of.

It’s true; they don’t. So even though Jack will without reluctance murder anyone, will save the United States while going through heroin withdrawal, will endure horrific torture and then beat up a room full of armed guards, while naked, and will hack off his daughter’s boyfriend’s hand with a fireman’s axe, his capability and judgment are still called into question at almost every turn.

Moral of the story is that Jack Bauer is capable of anything. This he proves hourly. Need a baby skinned alive and the skin delivered to al-Qaeda? Jack Bauer will be halfway to Afghanistan with a bloody sack of infant dermis in his lap before anyone even thinks to ask him. Dude’s life is like a Saw movie written by Glenn Beck.

Though 24 popularly posited throughout pretty much all of George W. Bush’s presidency that the American public can have no idea what it takes to daily decide the fate of the world’s foremost democratic superpower, I’m starting to sense something a tad more subversive under its patriotic shell.

What kind of man is Jack Bauer after all? Do we want a man capable of anything steering the course of our country? When Tony Almeida, head of the CTU (Counter-Terrorist Unit) is imprisoned at the end of the season for secretly negotiating with the main bad guy in order to save his wife from execution, nothing is questioned: Tony will go to jail for treason even though all he wanted was to save his wife. The same non-question is posed to Jack: would he betray his country to save his daughter? The answer, the government insists, is obviously “yes,” but I’m not sure what Jack Bauer would do, and looking ahead to future seasons it seems like the government will continue to question what Jack is capable of as he slips ever further into the sociopathic void, deciding whether to lose his humanity altogether or continue suffering for a country that takes his humanity for granted.

***

Best friend and petty criminal Phil Nelson stole a copy of a book called Prison Slang from his college library. Written by William K. Bentley and James M. Corbett and published in 1992, the book attempts to lay out a dictionary of prison terms to better help the reader, who they presume has never been incarcerated, “see into a way of life not normally seen by ‘outsiders.'” Questionable diction aside, Prison Slang goes pretty far to encapsulate every semantic facet of “that life”…sometimes to the point of mistaking general slang for those words and phrases originating in prison. Pretty sure “Johnson”—which means “penis” i case you were unsure—wasn’t popularized by inmates.

Anyway, the book is packed to the rim (pun?) with anecdotal hilarity, but especially when the authors can’t help but inject some subjectivity into their definitions.

Tat Man also Tat Artist — Someone who applies tattoos on people. Tattooing is a delicate art.

Brown Trout also Slingin’ Trout — Throwing body waste on the guards passing the cells. The excrement is referred to as brown trout. The actual throwing of the feces is called slingin’ trout. Usually, slingin’ trout occurs during times of unrest or isolated incidents involving one or two inmates. It is not a frequent occurrence.

And sometimes that subjectivity translates as advice.

Keyster — Literally, keyster refers to a person’s buttocks. This is the name given to smuggling or placing something in a person’s anus. To smuggle drugs in one’s anus would be to keyster them. Weapons and other things can also be hidden in a person’s anus.

In other cases, the authors come off like your best friend in third grade trying to explain homosexuality to you and saying it’s when two Dads hold hands.

Nut on Someone — To verbally abuse, intimidate, physically challenge or attack a person.

Poop Butt — A distrusted or disreputable person.

Someone better tell Ashton Kutcher…

Punk — …Punk is also used as a verb. To punk someone is to sexually penetrate him.

Sometimes the authors offer contextual, explanatory sentences for terms that require none.

Hershey Highway — The anus. “Bob took a ride on the hershey highway.”

Smoke One — Smoking a marijuana cigarette. “Hey, let’s go smoke one.”

Packin’ Mud — An expression for anal intercourse. “Phil has been packin’ mud all weekend.”

And then there are just pages and pages of seemingly made-up euphemisms for the genitals. There’s a simple kind of joy derived from seeing “The vagina,” “The penis,” and “The anus” repeated over and over down the written page.

Bone Phone — The penis.

Hinie Hideout — The anus.

Monkey — The vagina.

The Safe — The anus

The Tomb — The anus.

…and my favorite…

Trouser Trout — The penis. “How about some trouser trout smothered in shorts?”

Apparently anything can be classified as a sexual act, too, as long as it rhymes.

Put Some Slobber on the Knobber — The act of oral sex.

Just try and guess what a Semen Demon is.