THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN: The Tropes of 24 (pt. 3)

Previously, on “The Tropes of 24“…

Dom: I finished all eight seasons of 24, including the made-for-TV movie.

Adam: So now what?

Dom: I started over from the beginning. It’s a part of me now.

Kaylen: Maybe you should move on. I think it’s time.

Dom: That sounds like something a character with a soul patch would say.

12. All bad guys on 24 will, once revealed as despicable, transform almost instantaneously into a loathsome, inhuman, hunch-backed psychopath.

A perfect example is Charles Logan, who in Season 4 becomes the reluctant U.S. President after a missile attack on Air Force One incapacitates the current President and blows to smithereens his all-American towheaded son. Logan of course is a total sniveling pussy, but by Season 5 he’s brokering a major anti-terrorism defense treaty with the Russians and is inevitably involved in the government conspiracy that led to David Palmer’s assassination and Michelle Dessler’s death, single-handedly signing off on/orchestrating all of Christopher Henderson’s nefarious deeds, as well as the release of the Sentox nerve gas and the framing of Jack Bauer for Palmer’s murder. Once the audience understands just how deep the conspiracy goes, Logan perceptibly slumps in his chair and places the tips of his fingers together in an upside-down “V,” his jowls suddenly slackening, going all jelly. He talks in low, smoky interjections, makes overenunciated demands for “status updates” on “where Jack is,” evilly smirking like a fucking chump when his wife compliments him on a “magnificent” day. His neck cranes so that his whole upper torso becomes an evil tortoise shell. His manifestation as Richard Nixon draws to a close. His pate shines like Mr. Burns’. Oh the weight of such world-eating subterfuge.

"This lip gloss stings!!"

See also: Jack’s father; Katee Sackhoff’s CTU double-agent; Nina Meyers; Tony Almeida (who, in my rewatching of Season 1, has always sported a terrible soul patch, and so it was only a matter of time before he went crazy bonkers evil)

"I also had a vague Mexican accent I dropped for subsequent seasons. Wasn't 2001 a crazy time, America?"

13. Nothing is ever easy. Nothing. If something can possibly go wrong, not only will it, but it will be in direct response to something nice or optimistic that just occurred. This is similar to trope #10, admittedly, but is more Newtonian.

Take Jack’s attempt to tell Secretary Heller about President Logan’s involvement in the conspiracy, from Season 5:

INT. SOME DARK WAREHOUSE, ABANDONED? MEH.

Secretary Heller: I WISH I COULD SAY I’M SURPRISED BUT I CAN’T. I WATCHED CHARLES LOGAN RISE ON THE TIDE OF HIS OWN AMBITION. I WAS TERRIFIED WHEN HE TOOK THE OATH.

Relieved her dad understands, Audrey leans into Jack, sighs.

Audrey: Jack, everything’s going to be OK now.

Quick smooch, so innocent and full of hope.

And then Heller does what we knew he’d do and…

Karate chops Jack in the adam’s apple?

14. Everyone is always reminding everyone else what they should be doing, like your mom reminding you to take a scarf while you’re pulling a scarf out of the hall closet. Like: thanks for paying attention and respecting my intelligence, mom.

Audrey: Jack, make sure you get that recording.

Jack: I will.

This is after Jack is expressly leaving, which he tells everyone, to go get the fucking recording. This also emphasizes Audrey Raines’ overwhelming uselessness.

…and the audience pretty much just shuts off all higher brain function.

Here’s another exchange between Jack and Chloe; what’s funny is how Jack responds, because it may the first time his voice actually resonates with annoyance at the show’s belabored plot synopses:

Chloe: And Jack? I don’t mean to put any added pressure on you, but if you don’t have a confession by then, we’ll all be arrested and charged with treason.

Jack: Yeah. I know.

Oh, he knows, Chloe. He knows.

15. Jack Bauer is tortured quite often. I suppose it’s what happens when the drug cartel you betrayed, the Chinese, the Russians, your father, your brother, your ex-lover/partner, or even your own government typically want you dead. Sometimes Jack is sitting down when he’s tortured, and sometimes he’s hanging from a meat hook. Sometimes he’s wearing a shirt, and sometimes not. Usually he spits blood on the floor.

But there isn’t a torture situation Jack can’t get out of, which is a fact because Jack always escapes the same way:

1) Jack endures for a while, but then passes out.

2) The torturer takes this as a perfect moment to switch up torture tools and maybe sharpen a scalpel, maybe wipe off a wrench, maybe prepare a solution to inject into Jack’s blood, causing excruciating pain. The torturer turns his back to Jack and hunches over his torture tool tray.

3) Jack slowly raises one eyelid. He’s faking it!

4) The torturer, emboldened by Jack’s unconsciousness, lets down his guard and leans forward to administer an injection or strap Jack in a bit tighter.

5) And… Jack awakens suddenly! He breaks the torturer’s neck with his thighs, say, or…

"You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore."

…rips the guy’s throat out with his teeth.

16. Characters love to declare that the day, and the day’s trying situation, is finally over.

Audrey: So it’s over.

Jack: Yeah.

Of course it isn’t.

17. There is always someone on the inside.

That’s what she said?

If any character ever says, “…Someone on the inside,” take a drink.

Tune in for Part Four, when we’ll just stare into Wayne Palmer’s eyes for a while.

The state of the union is strong…

…if by “union” you mean my weiner.