Joey Greco Looks Like…

…a faerie magician taking a night off from conjuring enchantments.

…Pepé Le Pew in human form.

…he doesn’t need those glasses.

…his soul patch has a soul patch.

…he hates his dad.

…he’s thinking, “You don’t get it, man.”

…he agrees that Abercrombie and Fitch selling padded bikini tops to eight year-olds is a great idea.

…a Hydrox cookie who tells everyone he’s an Oreo.

…John Stamos punched in the forehead.

…”the shocker” in human form.

…he was kicked out of the Black Eyed Peas.

…Maury Povich wearing Nathan Lane’s face like a mask.

…Adjunct Professor Snape.

…whomever Stephenie Meyer is married to.

…Boba Fett taking his kids to Benihana on a Sunday.

…Dr. Drew trying out autoerotic asphyxiation. Y’know, just seeing what it’s like.

…Andy Dick and a case of Axe Body Spray.

…the lead singer in Vertical Horizon, who is now a high school guidance counselor.

…Scott Stapp’s side bitch.

…someone due for a good stabbing.

…his pubes do.

Matt Libs: 30 Rock — S05E14 “Double-Edged Sword”

A Matt Lib works in the same way a Mad Lib does, only it involves Matt Damon.

Print this out or write directly onto your computer monitor. Fill out the spaces below and then fit your answers into the corresponding lines in the following script involving Matt Damon, thereby completing his adventure.

The story is from the 30 Rock episode entitled “Double-Edged Sword.” LIZ LEMON (Tiny Fey) is taking her first flight under the sky laws of her boyfriend, CAROL (Matt Damon), and things, as they often do in the life of Liz Lemon, go terribly wrong. I have conflated some ancillary characters for convenience’s sake and removed certain scenarios that involve copyrighted material and a larger budget than is necessary.

I encourage you to act this out with friends and enemies alike.

1. NOUN ___________________
2. FEMININE NOUN __________________
3. INFANTILE NOUN ____________________
4. GERIATRIC NOUN ____________________
5. EXPENSIVE NOUN __________________
6. TERRIBLE CITY __________________
7. PRESENT-TENSE TRANSITIVE VERB ___________________
8. PARTICIPIAL PHRASE (-ING VERB PLUS PREPOSITION) ____________________
9. ADJECTIVE ____________________
10. LARGE NOUN ____________________
11. NOUN THAT FITS IN YOUR POCKET, PLURAL ____________________
12. NOUN, CARBON-BASED LIFE FORM ____________________

(LIZ is in line to get onto the plane. Someone cuts in front of her rudely.)

LIZ: There’s a line, sir! I realize you’re more important than everyone else on the (1)__________, what with those jet sweatpants.

(A voice greets LIZ from behind.)

CAROL: Excuse me, (2)__________, are you old enough to be traveling alone?

LIZ: (in (3)__________ voice) I dunno, I’m going to visit my (4)__________ but I’m scared… (regular voice) Ughhh…wait, that’s too young.

CAROL: Roger that. Echhh, look at sweatpants guy. This is a 90 million dollar (5)__________, not a (6)__________ strip club. (To flight attendant) Stewart, 21-18 that guy.

Ecchhh, look at sweatpants guy.

STEWART: Excuse me! Mr. Sweatpants! We’re gonna need to (7)__________ that bag.

(LIZ is impressed.)

CAROL: And that is Sky Law.

(LIZ sits down; CAROL goes to the cockpit. SOME GUY is sitting across the aisle from LIZ.)

SOME GUY: (nervously) Hey. (8)__________ Raleigh for a business meeting. I’m a business man. I’m not an air marshall.

CAROL: (over the loud speaker, in monotone, slurring words together) (9)__________ afternoon folks this is Cap’n Burnett from flight deck. There’s some (10)__________ on the runway, should be about a half hour, then we’ll have you on your way…so sit back relax enjoy your flight thanks for choosing blahblahburble…

LIZ: (to SOME DUDE on her direct left, whispering): The pilot is my boyfriend…so…if you have any (11)__________ during the flight maybe I can—THERE’S A (12)__________ ON THE WING! Oh…heh…we haven’t taken off yet. Just a mechanic.

………

13. ADJECTIVE ____________________
14. INTERJECTION ____________________
15. FLYING ANIMAL, PLURAL ____________________
16. ADJECTIVE, SYNONYM TO NO. 13 ____________________
17. GENITALIA ___________________
18. ADJECTIVE ____________________
19. FACIAL EXPRESSION ____________________
20. RETAIL STORE YOU’D FIND IN A MALL ____________________
21. INFINITIVE (VERB) ____________________
22. NOUN, PLURAL ____________________
23. TYPE OF CHEESE ____________________
24. DEITY ___________________
25. PRESENT PARTICIPLE ____________________
26. TRAVEL DESTINATION THAT COULD ALSO BE A PUN ___________________

(Everyone on the plane is (13)__________, complain-y.)

SOME DUDE: Didn’t they say half an hour over an hour ago?

STEWART: (14)__________! While we’re waiting to take off we’re going to go ahead and begin our in-flight entertainment, which is the feature film LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE (15)__________ OF GA’HOOLE… and some NBC sitcoms that didn’t make the schedule.

(Everyone groans. LIZ gets up when she sees CAROL. She goes to him.)

LIZ: Hey…

CAROL: Oh hey Lizzy, you OK?

LIZ: People are starting to get a little (16)__________ back there.

CAROL: Yeah, it’s gonna be about another half hour.

LIZ: Really? Cuz I checked “(17)__________ Tracker” on my phone and our status is just a(n) (18)__________, red, (19)__________-y face.

CAROL: (lowers voice) OK, you wanna know a little pilot secret, besides the fact that we get a discount at (20)__________? The half hour thing is a trick… It’s enough time so that people know they’re going to have to (21)__________, but it doesn’t upset them.

LIZ: So you’re just lying? That’s not right; we’re paying (22)__________.

CAROL: (steadily angrier) Look, Liz, we have reasons for doing the things the way that we do them. We say “half an hour” to control the…herds of walking (23)__________ sticks who think that 300 dollars and a photo ID give them the right to fly through the air like one of the Guardian (15)__________ of Legend.

(LIZ looks at him like she’s disgusted.)

CAROL: (exasperated) (24)__________, that’s been our in-flight movie for months.

LIZ: I just think it’s frustrating for people to know that they’re being lied to.

CAROL: (pissed) Maybe you just wanna fly the plane yourself. Well good luck (25)__________ (counts on fingers) take off, then auto-pilot, then land!

LIZ: OK! This is obviously a tense situation for you, I didn’t mean to make it worse. Just do what you need to do and we’ll get where we’re going.

CAROL: …uh-huh, (26)__________…

(LIZ goes suspiciously back to her seat.)

(Here’s the part where silently CAROL is reciting lines to the movie, which is really funny and makes him seem insane, but i dunno how that could work as far as Matt Libs are concerned.)

……

27. DEITY DIFFERENT FROM NO. 24 ____________________
28. POSSIBLE FAILED SITCOM TITLE ____________________
29. ADJECTIVE ____________________
30. VERB, PAST TENSE ____________________
31. NOUN, PLURAL ____________________
32. NOUN, PLURAL ____________________
33. RESTAURANT ____________________
34. BODY PART, PLURAL ____________________
35. INTANGIBLE NOUN ____________________
36. ADJECTIVE ____________________

(The people on the plane are ready to riot.)

SOME GUY: Dear (27)__________, they’ve restarted the failed NBC shows?? Oh no, please, no, not “(28)__________” again!! (freaks out)

SOME DUDE: (comes from back) Those bathrooms are (29)__________! Someone has to do something! (to LIZ) Please, do something, you said you (30)__________ the captain!

LIZ: Alright. (stands up) You know what? This is wrong. I can see the terminal from my window…where people are buying new (31)__________, and crossing their (32)_________, and eating at a (33)__________ Express. We were like them once and we can be again!

SOME DUDE: But…we’re just airplane folk now.

LIZ: (goes to SOME DUDE, grasps his (34)__________ encouragingly) No, we still have our (35)__________. And maybe we can’t go back to the terminal, but I know Captain Burnett, he is a reasonable person. He compromises readily on movie choices…and sexual positions…If we as a group can decide on what reasonable things we want, I’d be (36)__________ to talk to him.

(Everyone cheers.)

…..

37. NOUN ____________________
38. NOUN, SYNONYM TO NO. 37 ____________________
39. LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR ____________________
40. INFINITIVE (VERB) ____________________
41. FOOD ____________________
42. NOBILIARY TITLE ____________________
43. DUMB ANIMAL, PLURAL ____________________
44. NOUN ____________________
45. OBLIGATORY NOUN ____________________
46. ARTICLE OF CLOTHING LESBIANS WEAR, PLURAL ____________________
47. ACTION BROS DO, PRESENT TENSE, SINGULAR ____________________

(LIZ presents CAROL with a list of said “reasonable things.” CAROL reads it quickly.)

CAROL: OK, I can’t turn the air on because I’d have to power the engines up. That wastes (37)__________, I’m assuming you don’t want to stop for (38)__________ in the middle of the ocean?

LIZ: OK, what about the bathrooms?

CAROL: Stewart did not study (39)__________ at Carnegie Mellon to become a flight attendant to (40)__________ bathrooms.

LIZ: Well at least give us some food!

CAROL: Negative! Those (41)__________ bags are designed to be opened IN FLIGHT. You open them at sea level, somebody could be killed.

LIZ: And can you tell me WHEN we might be in the air, (42)__________?

CAROL: Sure… IN ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR.

LIZ: (lowers voice) OK, Carol, you have a decision to make: Are your passengers just (43)__________, or are some of them, maybe even just one of them, someone you care about??

CAROL: I think YOU need to make a decision: Am I just another (44)__________ that you’re taking one of your stands against like that police horse you yelled at—

LIZ: If I can’t poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?

CAROL: —or am I your boyfriend who you’re gonna let do his (45)__________?

LIZ: Oh really? If this is you doing your (45)__________…YOU’RE TERRIBLE AT IT.

(CAROL is stunned. Reaches toward intercom….)

LIZ: (panicking) Think about what you’re doing…you’re making a choice here…I am not just a passenger!

(CAROL hits seat-belt button.)

STEWART: And the captain has turned on the “fasten seat-belt” sign…all passengers, including any lip-less, middle-aged women in lesbian (46)__________, should please take their seat at this time.

(CAROL stares LIZ down as she walks away, then (47)__________ STEWART.)

…..

48. NOUN ____________________
49. NOUN YOU’D FIND IN A MIDDLE-CLASS HOME ____________________
50. INSULT RELATED TO NO. 45 ____________________
51. CHARACTER MIKE MEYERS PLAYED AT LEAST FIVE YEARS AGO ____________________
52. LONG DEFUNCT CABLE SHOW ____________________
53. UNAPPEALING ADJECTIVE ____________________
54. LARGE NOUN ____________________
55. NOUN, COULD GO ON NO. 54 ____________________
56. EROTIC NICKNAME FOR “AIRPLANE” ____________________
57. DRASTIC INFINITIVE (VERB) ____________________
58. SMALL BODY PART ____________________

CAROL: We’ve been offered a gate.

LIZ: What?!!? Well what’re you doing back here? C’mon, let’s go!

CAROL: Oh, we’ll go…we’ll go back to the terminal, and the (48)__________ with the reclining (49)__________ and the turkey wraps…and we’ll forget any of this ever happened, like that you insulted me in front of my entire crew, especially Stewart, who often makes up hurtful nicknames for me, like Mr. (50)__________…

LIZ: Great…and I’ll forget the fact that you treated us like (43)__________.

CAROL: Oh, well I’ve already forgotten that you said I was bad at my (45)__________ …when everything on TGS has been so great recently. (51)__________ on (52)__________. (gives A-OK hand signal) Timely stuff!

LIZ: Uh-huh, I’m not even going to ask what the hell that voice is you use on the intercom. (Mocking gross voice) “Uhhhhh, folks, half an hour means forever, uhhhhhhhh”

CAROL: (fake laughs…suddenly serious) Can I tell you what I hate about you? You’re so (53)__________ when you think you’re right. Even when the answer is ON THE TRIVIAL PURSUIT CARD.

LIZ: The card was wrong! And you’re no better, Carol. You built that (54)__________ incorrectly!

CAROL: (really frustrated) I did not! I wanted the (55)__________ to slide off!…(calms) OK, listen Liz, we will get through this…IF, for once, you can just let it go. I will take us back to the gate when you stand up, in front of my crew and my (43)__________, and admit that you were wrong.

LIZ: What?!!

CAROL: Admit that I, the captain of this (56)__________, was in the right. You were wrong to question me, and I was correct in my treatment of you and your fellow (43)__________.

LIZ: I’d rather (57)__________ on this plane.

CAROL: (quietly, in LIZ‘s face, wagging a (58)__________) That can be arranged.

…….

59. MOVIE THAT TAKES PLACE ON A PLANE ____________________
60. FIRST NAME OF FAMOUS BLACK ACTOR ____________________
61. MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE ____________________
62. SINGULAR VERB, PRESENT TENSE ____________________
63. NOUN ____________________
64. ADJECTIVE ____________________
65. INANIMATE, PHALLIC-SHAPED NOUN ____________________
66. VIOLENT NOUN ____________________
67. DEROGATORY NAME FOR OLD PERSON ____________________
68, NOUN, PLURAL ____________________

CAROL: (over intercom) Well folks, from the flight deck looks like it’s gonna be about another half hour and then we’ll be on our way…uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(LIZ stands up. Addresses her fellow (43)__________.)

LIZ: I have an announcement. Our pilot has gone insane…

CAROL: (still over intercom) No! Don’t listen to her…don’t…

LIZ: Having seen (59)__________ on Showtime last weekend I believe the only course of action for us is passenger mutiny. I am (60)__________!

CAROL: (still over intercom) I am invoking Sky Law. You are now SILENCED, shrieking (61)__________. Stop speaking.

LIZ: We could have gone back to a gate and HE WOULDN’T TAKE US.

(Passengers groan. CAROL (62)__________ out of the cockpit. I realize all the Dad jokes inherent in writing that.)

CAROL: Do not blame me, I wouldn’t take us because SHE wouldn’t admit to being wrong for challenging my authority.

SOME DUDE: (to LIZ) Why not?! What’s wrong with you?!

LIZ: I am right and he knows it…he could’ve given us (63)__________…

SOME GUY: Maybe this is one of those times where both of you just say on the count of three “I was (64)__________“…

LIZ AND CAROL: One two three…NEVER!

SOME DUDE: How are you two dating?? You’re too similar!

CAROL: (to LIZ) Where are you going?

LIZ: I am pulling the emergency (65)__________ and we are all getting of of this plane! I’ll be a folk hero like that guy everybody hates now!

CAROL: Don’t you even think about it! That is a federal offense!

LIZ: Just try to stop me!

CAROL: Oh, you be careful what you wish for…

(CAROL marches toward SOME GUY and takes his (66)__________ from his holster. Pulls (66)__________ on LIZ.)

CAROL: I WILL WASTE YOU!!!

(LIZ grabs a passenger and pulls him up.)

LIZ: You’ll have to go through this (67)__________ first!!

(LIZ and CAROL realize what’s happening, put down (66)__________ and (67)__________. Stare at each other.)

LIZ: (softly) Sorry. I hope we can still be (68)__________…?

Filler: Baby Legs; 24; Prison Slang

In yet another example of finding at least one minute worth enduring in Seth MacFarlane’s cavalcade of otherwise mean-spirited cartoons, the most recently aired episode of American Dad!, entitled “You Debt Your Life,” included one segment that won me over based solely (Pun! Get it??) on main character Stan Smith growing comically disproportionate gams.

Since 20th Century Fox hates your fucking guts, go to this link, suffer through that Adrien Brody abomination, and then if you haven’t slit your wrists yet, skip to 19 minutes in:

http://www.hulu.com/embed/3BdYlbi8w8CqtW_zptZLCQ

Hee hee. Wheelbarrow Tim.

Does this remind you of John Travolta too?

What’s consistently funnier is how popular MacFarlane’s ubiquitous, uber-liberal humor has become in direct proportion to the amount of guff Ricky Gervais got for the Golden Globes, effectively neutering any chance for a laugh at last night’s Oscars.

Let me know when Anne Hathaway’s and Mark Ruffalo’s teeth try to eat each other and then I’ll tune in and try to give a flying fuck about Aaron Sorkin’s kid’s guinea pig or whatever it was he rehearsed in front of his mirror so that it seemed like he had genuine emotion behind all that Oompa-Loompa foundation.

***

Got through the third season of 24, in which yet again Jack Bauer’s mettle is tested over exactly 24 hours. This time he was struggling with a heroin addiction acquired during some undercover work, an addiction given up during the 24 hours but seemingly bearing withdrawal symptoms not much worse than a cold sweat and heavy sighing. Just like the season before, in which Jack literally died for a few minutes and then struggled through the last hours of his day with his heart begging to stop, the whole season basically went like this:

Jack Bauer: There’s no time!!

Jack Bauer’s Pencil-pushing Superior Who Will Probably End Up Dead: There’s always time for the law, Jack.

Jack Bauer: [heavy sigh] Can’t we deal with this later?

Jack Bauer’s Pencil-pushing Superior Who Will Probably End Up Dead: Will you be capable of dealing with this later, Jack?

Jack Bauer: You have no idea what I’m capable of.

It’s true; they don’t. So even though Jack will without reluctance murder anyone, will save the United States while going through heroin withdrawal, will endure horrific torture and then beat up a room full of armed guards, while naked, and will hack off his daughter’s boyfriend’s hand with a fireman’s axe, his capability and judgment are still called into question at almost every turn.

Moral of the story is that Jack Bauer is capable of anything. This he proves hourly. Need a baby skinned alive and the skin delivered to al-Qaeda? Jack Bauer will be halfway to Afghanistan with a bloody sack of infant dermis in his lap before anyone even thinks to ask him. Dude’s life is like a Saw movie written by Glenn Beck.

Though 24 popularly posited throughout pretty much all of George W. Bush’s presidency that the American public can have no idea what it takes to daily decide the fate of the world’s foremost democratic superpower, I’m starting to sense something a tad more subversive under its patriotic shell.

What kind of man is Jack Bauer after all? Do we want a man capable of anything steering the course of our country? When Tony Almeida, head of the CTU (Counter-Terrorist Unit) is imprisoned at the end of the season for secretly negotiating with the main bad guy in order to save his wife from execution, nothing is questioned: Tony will go to jail for treason even though all he wanted was to save his wife. The same non-question is posed to Jack: would he betray his country to save his daughter? The answer, the government insists, is obviously “yes,” but I’m not sure what Jack Bauer would do, and looking ahead to future seasons it seems like the government will continue to question what Jack is capable of as he slips ever further into the sociopathic void, deciding whether to lose his humanity altogether or continue suffering for a country that takes his humanity for granted.

***

Best friend and petty criminal Phil Nelson stole a copy of a book called Prison Slang from his college library. Written by William K. Bentley and James M. Corbett and published in 1992, the book attempts to lay out a dictionary of prison terms to better help the reader, who they presume has never been incarcerated, “see into a way of life not normally seen by ‘outsiders.'” Questionable diction aside, Prison Slang goes pretty far to encapsulate every semantic facet of “that life”…sometimes to the point of mistaking general slang for those words and phrases originating in prison. Pretty sure “Johnson”—which means “penis” i case you were unsure—wasn’t popularized by inmates.

Anyway, the book is packed to the rim (pun?) with anecdotal hilarity, but especially when the authors can’t help but inject some subjectivity into their definitions.

Tat Man also Tat Artist — Someone who applies tattoos on people. Tattooing is a delicate art.

Brown Trout also Slingin’ Trout — Throwing body waste on the guards passing the cells. The excrement is referred to as brown trout. The actual throwing of the feces is called slingin’ trout. Usually, slingin’ trout occurs during times of unrest or isolated incidents involving one or two inmates. It is not a frequent occurrence.

And sometimes that subjectivity translates as advice.

Keyster — Literally, keyster refers to a person’s buttocks. This is the name given to smuggling or placing something in a person’s anus. To smuggle drugs in one’s anus would be to keyster them. Weapons and other things can also be hidden in a person’s anus.

In other cases, the authors come off like your best friend in third grade trying to explain homosexuality to you and saying it’s when two Dads hold hands.

Nut on Someone — To verbally abuse, intimidate, physically challenge or attack a person.

Poop Butt — A distrusted or disreputable person.

Someone better tell Ashton Kutcher…

Punk — …Punk is also used as a verb. To punk someone is to sexually penetrate him.

Sometimes the authors offer contextual, explanatory sentences for terms that require none.

Hershey Highway — The anus. “Bob took a ride on the hershey highway.”

Smoke One — Smoking a marijuana cigarette. “Hey, let’s go smoke one.”

Packin’ Mud — An expression for anal intercourse. “Phil has been packin’ mud all weekend.”

And then there are just pages and pages of seemingly made-up euphemisms for the genitals. There’s a simple kind of joy derived from seeing “The vagina,” “The penis,” and “The anus” repeated over and over down the written page.

Bone Phone — The penis.

Hinie Hideout — The anus.

Monkey — The vagina.

The Safe — The anus

The Tomb — The anus.

…and my favorite…

Trouser Trout — The penis. “How about some trouser trout smothered in shorts?”

Apparently anything can be classified as a sexual act, too, as long as it rhymes.

Put Some Slobber on the Knobber — The act of oral sex.

Just try and guess what a Semen Demon is.

I Love You, Brad Dourif: The X-Files S01E13 — “Beyond the Sea”

Josh Rivers—who recently earned level 85 in World of Warcraft, in case you wanted to know—reminded me that Brad Dourif was once in an episode of The X-Files called “Beyond the Sea.” I remembered it vaguely; I used to know the ins and outs of each episode, and I even attended an X-Files convention in… 1997 maybe? I can’t remember exactly, but I was shameless enough to volunteer to be on the local news so I could better declare my love for the show and make it easy for some mouth-breathing fuck from my 9th grade class to see the spot and comment on it loudly later. Did I mention I went to an all-guys school and that I went to an X-Files convention my freshman year of high school? I called myself an X-Phile. That’s what X-Files fans called themselves. Or only the serious ones did.

I still know your name too, Josh Butz. I have it written down on a list around here somewhere…

Anyway, I was a sensitive teenager. And accordingly I remember hating Dourif’s character, Luther Boggs, a serial killer who claims to have been transformed by his near-death experience into a conduit for messages from the spirit world. Or something—Mulder, who wrote the initial psychological profile of Boggs contributing to his imprisonment, stays unconvinced of Boggs’s powers, instead believing Boggs is orchestrating a kidnapping with a partner on the outside. See, Boggs, who was saved from the gas chamber once before (the “near-death experience” that filled him with the souls of all his victims…apparently), is still on death row, and Mulder knows Boggs is just trying to keep himself out of the chair by feeding the FBI information that will lead to the recovering of the kidnapped.

Early in the episode, Mulder previews Dourif’s character:

“At the age of six Luther Boggs slaughtered every pet animal in his housing project. When he was 30 he strangled five family members over Thanksgiving dinner and then sat down to watch the fourth quarter of the Detroit-Green Bay game. Some killers are products of society; some act on past abuses; Boggs kills because he likes it.”

This he relates in the pinch-eyed deadpan for which Mulder’s always susceptible, like he can barely contain his spooky giggles. And I’m not sure why Mulder jumps from six to 30 like that; seems like a sloppy psychological profile to me, but hey I’m no federal agent.

Here we’re introduced to Boggs:

And here’s Boggs getting wise:

Note to self: The person who uploaded these clips is called “DourifPower.” You will never love Brad Dourif as much as someone called “DourifPower.”

Mulder, who steadfastly adheres to thinking Boggs is full of shit throughout the whole episode, tricks Boggs into going into convulsions over a ripped-up piece of his Knicks tee-shirt. (Later, in the season three episode, “Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose,” Peter Boyle’s Clyde Bruckman makes a comment about attempting to channel information through a similarly-blue piece of cloth. Darin Morgan, who wrote both “Bruckman” and is also the brother of Glen Morgan, one of “Beyond”‘s writers, was not only riffing on television serial killer/psychic procedural conventions, he was poking fun at the typical X-Files dichotomy of skeptic vs. believer, which his brother’d already upended so cleanly and so early in the show’s run.)

So Mulder, who’s typically trying to convince Scully that the truth’s out there and all, ends up being the skeptical one. Meanwhile, Scully can’t help but believe in Boggs’s weirdly accurate visions because she just lost her father to a massive coronary and hallucinated his ghost only moments before her mom called her crying.

"I spent my last $50 on this sweater vest... so... I leave the family with nothing but debt and sadness."

After the episode’s devastatingly lonely scene wherein Scully’s dad’s ashes are sprinkled by a dreary boatman on a dreary boat into an oppressively dreary harbor—the titular song whispering tinnily from some crappy swap meet boombox (Couldn’t find anything nicer, Scully’s mom? It’s 1994; Radio Shack’s got better equipment stuffed between stacks of R/C cars.)—Scully returns to work, insisting to Mulder that she’s fine and just needs to get back to the usual investigating mind-boggling shit and calling Mulder out on his weirdly open porn addiction.

Eventually Mulder’s shot, fulfilling one of Boggs’s predictions, at least as far as Scully’s concerned; Mulder, even from his hospital bed, warns Scully she’s being used. Perhaps fondly remembering the way Mulder caressed her face, so tenderly, to comfort her in her time of mourning, Scully puts up with Mulder’s condescension and spends some quality time with Boggs on the sly, eventually developing an interesting Dead Man Walking dynamic until the time comes when Boggs is executed and Scully resists visiting him at his death, reminding the audience that Luther Boggs still did a bunch of potentially unforgivable, fucked up shit—that even if he was a conduit for supernatural forces, even if he was special, he still has a lonely, terrifying death coming for him.

Here’s Boggs about to get got for real, and he’s petrified:

Dourif plays Boggs preternaturally covered in sweat, his hair probably both unwashed and greased with hours of nervous tugging. Sometimes he adopts a slight accent, and sometimes he’s so stooped and bent inward, his voice a whisper, it’s like he’s talking through his blood-shot eyes. Boggs’s visions are both laughable and entrancing, as if he’s a student of infomercial fortune tellers and a man in constant agony alike. Even though he takes a deep breath and turns his head as if turning from the power of an oncoming spirit—like a pop culture enthusiast itching his acting bug by mimicking what he saw in movies—his eyes brim with the pain of sheer pants-pissing fright. Dourif balances each facet, foretelling how anyone of a right mind could react to his clairvoyant act and cutting them off at the pass–he’s a fiercely intelligent psychopath as believably motivated by fear as by otherworldly beings.

And Dourif’s Boggs is believable because whether or not Scully and Mulder buy his visions, as long as the kidnapped are found Boggs doesn’t have to die. It’s that simple. He stammers at Scully:

“Don’t underestimate my fear of dying and don’t downplay my terror of going back to that chair.”

In the end Boggs dies and Scully abandons him, though deep down she knows she gave up the one chance she had to talk to her dead dad one last time. Whether Boggs had superpowers or was in fact the beast Mulder made him out to be…it doesn’t matter, the man was wiped off the earth hurriedly and completely.

It makes sense I’d hate Boggs back when I was 12; Dourif both defies the audience to believe his shtick even as he pushes it into camp. His is a thoroughly uncomfortable performance capped by a resolution that resolves practically nothing. What’s left for Scully is her grief; what’s left for Boggs is the disappointment in her not being there to watch him die, left hanging in the air as the rest of him ceases to exist.

***

I wish I could embed this video, but I encourage you to follow the link and watch it elsewhere. I don’t condone the song, just the sentiment.

Filler: Family Guy

I watched this today; a whole episode. It was entitled “Friends of Peter G” and followed Brian and Peter as they struggled with alcoholism and AA in equal measure. It was even twenty-one minutes long, with an extravagant musical number that carried on well past the point of whatever its purpose was, which…I think is somewhere between satire and enamored imitation, like if Gus Van Sant made a TV show dedicated to poop jokes. And I think that in itself was the joke. Like watching Family Guy is. I hope.

Family Guy is a show entirely of filler. Its plots are interchangeable with its other plots, as well as with the plots of so many other sitcoms, and are often repeated—Peter and Lois suffer marital strife; a character achieves another 15 minutes of fame; the writers gleefully cherrypick an episode-long genre exercise. This the show proudly admits, and then TV comedy writers the world over stomp their feet over the audacity of it all. South Park took its share of jabs, and I got the point, but it’s not like I didn’t see what they meant long before they meant it.

Seth MacFarlane is a machine and doesn’t claim otherwise. The MadLib shit that’s gone through his mill, no one’s acting like The Cleveland Show is any different from Family Guy, and I may like American Dad more than either of those, but I know the differences are futile to figure out and not intelligently nuanced to be worth the effort, and I also know that he teamed up with Burger King to make some stupid fucking variety show that basically turned his cartoon sitcom blueprint into reality, which turned out to be as racist and idiotic as that sounds.

But The Simpsons and Family Guy are pretty much on the same page at this point. Matt Groening may be able to hide behind Futurama and its cult-y reboot when it comes to how sick we all are of Homer and Marge’s ever-dumbfounding monogamy, but The Simpsons treats plot as dumbly as Family Guy does, only the former revels in its boundless character quirks while the latter most gets a kick out of casually offending easy targets. (It rarely works; usually the offense is too blatant to register.)

Cue statutory rape joke.

I still detect traces of pleasure in Family Guy sometimes. I admire the absurdly precise comedic timing it’s honed by now, even at the cost of so many punchlines entirely devoted to silence and/or “pushing the boundaries of good taste.” Here’s a clip, pieced together from a secondary storyline that ran throughout an otherwise cookie-cutter episode about Quagmire, that I’ve especially enjoyed:

I can’t explain exactly why I like this so much other than that “Whoa, I hope that doesn’t happen to me” rings so ticklishly in my ears I feel completely satisfied by it.

And if that isn’t a good use of four minutes…then neither is shaving. Or calling one’s grandma. Or indulging “American Institutions” like The Simpsons every single week.